Because of these absences I’ve come to really appreciate my husband, AND to understand (completely) the "Firefighter Family Law" which is....."Anything that is going to malfunction, break down, make strange noises in the night, bite the children, infest the house, or threaten our family sanity will occur approximately 35 minutes AFTER aforementioned firefighter has left cell phone range".
When HH is called to a fire it is generally understood and accepted by all that he will leave as close to immediately as his ability, sans-super hero powers, can accommodate. This results in me trying desperately to ask him all important questions while following him from room to room as he packs. Instructions given, while useful in their own right, NEVER address what will REALLY happen when he’s gone.
At the risk of sounding like I’m complaining, which I’m not, O.K. I am, here are just a few of the things that have happened over the years.
- Smoke alarm malfunctions - Symptoms: goes off intermittently (not beeping mind you....I’m talking full out siren mode) for no reason, usually in the middle of the night....and several times per night (our smoke alarms are wired in) removing the batteries does absolutely nothing, however ripping the thing off the wall is fairly effective....we try to stay clear of the wires now dangling from hole in the wall till HH returns.
- Septic tak reversal results in strange smell in the house - repairman called - fixed problem, left sewage – and smell (of course we have no idea he has left all the sewage in the crawl space until HH returns some weeks later and we have stopped inviting friends over for dinner).
- Car window on drivers side malfunctions at McDonalds and decides NOT to roll up - we pray for dry weather.
- Daughter #2 is bitten by "friends" dog – they are "pretty sure" he has had his shots. Luckily she lives.
- Children contract chicken pox and other diseases making them unfit to go to babysitter, mom stays home to care for them while on "vacation" from work.
- Babysitter goes on vacation, another "vacation" for mom.
- Burglar alarm (apparently taking it’s cue from the smoke alarm) decides to go off every time we open the door, unable to disarm it we spend two days on the phone troubleshooting the thing while being held prisoners in (and BY) our own home.
- Stone mason contracted (months ago) to cut large hole in living room wall and build beautiful real masonry fireplace decides to come at exactly the moment that twin hurricanes Katrina and Rita hit coast resulting in HH heading off to work (30 day assignment.) Projected by mason to take 7-10 days job lasts a full 67 days and HH arrives home in time to instruct the complete "re-construct" of the 20,000 lb rock chimney which has been done wrong.
- Coyotes decide to visit front porch and eat cat food – discovered by mom and kids when we decide to leave the house one night – both parties equally surprised and terrified.
- Hot tub experience deteriorates as we detect strange "swamp" odor and cold water....we discover electrical mystery (hot tub trips breaker whenever it cycles off or on) is solved immediately when HH returns home and simply resets it (of course I feel the need to mention I did this SEVERAL times to no avail).
- Mother mouse finds her way into our previously "mouse-free" home, eludes cat and takes up residence in the piano – NOTE: Mother mouse and approx 20 babies appear comfortable enough in said piano to remain there until HH gets home.
- Biggest snowfall ever occurs 1 day after HH is called to help with space shuttle recovery in Texas. Wife handles situation by hiring extended family member to plow 1/4 mile driveway....family member refuses to ever return to do this job again after spending most of a day just FINDING the path of the driveway through our thick woods in 3 foot deep snow. We are on speaking terms again however.
- Deep freeze quits working and goes unnoticed until Daughter #3 gets a fudgesicle craving and opens door. Quick thinking mother saves her from drowning in thawed popsicles, slimy fruit and hamburger juice.
Trust me, these are just a few things that have happened, but at this point in my story I’m feeling a bit uneasy (HH is currently gone for the week teaching a fire class in Chicago) and in need of some fresh air.....so assuming the car is working I think I’ll take myself out for lunch!
4 comments:
I feel your pain--not about the husband thing since I'm not married--but about the everything going wrong! For years, everytime my family traveled, it seemed as if some huge thing went wrong either just before we got there or just after we left! We missed a hurricane that hit Cape Cod by just a few days...The year we went to Florida for Christmas to escape the random cold that hit Arkansas, we spent ten hours on ice in Florida--I wore a sweatshirt and jeans at Disney World!...We went to the beach in Alabama this summer about two weeks or so before the hurricane hit...these are just a few!
Um..for us Disney World was in 1988 or 89 I think. But it was freezing!
I feel your pain. When we moved into this house from Venezuela, husband had to stay behind for 6 weeks to finish up his job down there. I managed a million things relating to buying and repairing a new home pretty well. My undoing came in trying to microwave brown rice. The rice cooker melted sending black smoke throughout the house and a wailing siren to go off from the attick. It would not stop. My next door neighbor's husband(the only ones I knew in the neighborhood) was out of town, but she found me the "handiest husband on the block" to fix it for me. Thank you Walter!
Haha!!!!!!!ROFL!!!!!!!!!
I love reading your memories of our home...I forget those things!
Post a Comment