It's been a wierd day in my world and frankly I'm not liking it much. I've always been a people pleaser (sometimes to my own detriment), and a placater (don't know if that's even a word or not but hopefully you know what I mean). In trying to be, what I consider Christlike, I tend to say "it's okay" when it's not, turn the other cheek till my head is spinning, and say "yes, yes, yes" till I've forgotten completely how to say "NO!!!"
It's frustrating to say the least when you deal with people that are ill-tempered,
defensive, mean, cruel, or just plain rude. Today I had a sales person snap at me for not being fast enough getting my money out (actually it wasn't a snap, it was a big "siiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhh", with hands on hips. What did I do? I apologized for keeping her and felt terrible for inconveniencing her. After I left I wanted to go back in and say "I think apologizing was the nice thing to do but you certainly didn't deserve it, you need to improve your attitude", I wanted to tell her she shouldn't be working if she can't put a smile on her face (even when she doesn't want to) and try NOT to make customers feel like they are causing her an undo amount of work.All the way home it bothered me. For the past week I've been dealing with people (some even family members.....NOT in my house mind you) who think it's okay to just be rude. I just don't feel like there's ever a good excuse for it. I know we all have our "days", but in those cases an apology goes a long way.
When it's within your own family it's even harder because there's that need to "smooth things over", I often say "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean ...." when someone has taken offense for no reason at all, and there was certainly none intended. Is it better to not offer the apology....?
I truly believe it's just as wrong to go around with a chip on your shoulder, constantly looking for, and taking offense, as it is to TRY to offend. It gets very hard to please people when there's no pleasing them if you know what I mean.
I'm exhausted from dealing with people who see only the negative side of things, who look for the bad in others and never see it in themselves, who are defensive and cold in their manner of speech and keep a mental list of shortcomings and faults. How on earth do you deal with them? Of course I'm not perfect.....and I truly don't expect others to be, but I realize that if I'm to get through life with my own personality intact I'm going to have to find better ways of dealing with situations.
My favorite are the people who "get their feelings hurt" often and on purpose....believe me I've seen it so often I feel like it's a disease. I can almost feel it when a conversation begins.......the other day I had an hour long conversation with someone in which I said "I'm sorry" at least 7 times and I have no idea what I was ap0logizing for........except that she seemed to be expecting it. It was the kind of phone call that leaves you drained and unhappy wishing you hadn't called in the first place.
What is the middle ground between being Christlike and being a doormat? How much is too much? When too much is too much, what do you do about it? Probably the question of a lifetime for me as I've never in my 50 years on earth learned to deal with it in any way that is productive.
Okay, I'm over it, "it's okay" (but words of advice are appreciated).
6 comments:
I feel your pain. There is someone in my life who is constantly negative and the whole world is out to get her. And she looks for reasons to not like people. It's draining to talk to her. Sometimes I just want to go off on her. So I don't know what to tell you in the advice category. The best I can say is to just keep being Christlike and pray that they will have a better day! Not a very fun option, huh?
Bummer! I hope it wasn't me on the phone :) Just kidding I know it wasn't.
I have often been accused of being a doormat, apologizing too often, and being too nice (saying yes). I think it is one of the trials of having the gift of compassion. I have tried to learn how to take the best part of being compassionate (kindness, charity, empathy, humility) and get rid of the other parts (self loathing, fear, martyr-syndrome)
It is a hard thing to do. Remember though, you don't have to carry others burdens. Be guided by the Spirit and you will know when it is right to say you are sorry, and when it is right just to be kind.
Someone once told me "you can't give offense, you can only take it." They were refering of course to a person who is well intentioned, trying to do the right thing. This advice has served me well through the years as I tend to be a "people-pleaser" too. (I leave a party exhausted because I've spent the whole time trying to make sure everyone else is having a good time :) Knowing that if I'm doing things from the right place in my heart I can't "give" offense has helped me. There are of course people who are going to take offense (even though I haven't "given" it to them), but sadly, there's not much you can do for that type of person. It's fine to apologize, but I try to do it only if I've really done something. In the case of the cashier, for example, I might try saying something like "I've had a really long day too. I hope the rest of yours goes nicely."
Good luck and keep turing the other cheek (just make sure to keep some Tylenol on hand in case a headache develops :)
Mom!
I'm so sorry about your dilemma.. I actually just got off of the phone with Quinton about this very problem. I told him that NO MATTER what people say to your kindness, or their bad attitudes- YOU still get the blessings! Can you imagine the rude people Christ came across every day. I love you, Mom. Youre no doormat in MY book!
-Daughter #2
My post may have been negative but your responses weren't thanks for your wonderful advice and helping me remember what's really important.
Boy, I wish I knew the answer to this one. I could write a book and make a million dollars.
I had a sweet friend who used to try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When people bothered her, she always shrugged it off by saying, "It may not be her fault. Maybe she has a brain tumor." We laughed about that one for years, until the person being a "rude jerk" turned out to actually have a brain tumor.
It used to really bother me when cranky drivers would give me "that gesture". Now I just say to myself, "Why look, that person thinks I'm #1."
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