Dental stories....

Okay first Nutella wrote about it, then Jessica wrote about it, and I'm sure I've missed some others along the way. It's obvious that the "dental experience" conjures up a wide range of emotions....none of which seem any too happy. Daughter #3 is determined to become, gulp, a dentist and I, well, I worry that she won't have friends. (She says she doesn't care, she'll be rich!)



Regarding dentists, dental hygiene and the like..... I'm coming out of the closet, right here, right now, in front of millions of people. I'm going to take the first step and admit my fears.........wait a minute the phone is ringing.....it might be important, ......nope it wasn't, now where was I? Oh yeah, coming out of the closet.....deep breath.........okay, here goes



1. I have flossophobia. I know, I know you should floss daily to prevent heart disease (wierd but true connection there) and I DO try to floss daily. My problem is I cannot, will not, and don't think I can ever....floss publicly. My husband doesn't even know about this little phobia (come to think of it he probably does NOW!). I've had it for years.

I try to do my flossing when he's either on the phone, or in the middle of a late night show, sometime when I can safely complete the "task at hand". I floss only behind closed doors, and with the faucet running. I just can't floss if anyone is within earshot, let alone EYEshot! There's something about tugging bits of the day's food from between your teeth and flinging it around the room that I find more than disgusting. It's gotten so bad over the years that I'm now obsessive about cleaning the mirror, sink, vanity and faucets after I floss because I'm afraid I've left traces! (Oh come on, don't you ever wonder what those tiny little specks are on the mirror when you go to someone's house......I'm SORRY....I can't help it!)

2. My second favorite dental ritual is complicated by the gag reflex. When I was 15 or so I heard that to have really good breath you should always brush the back of your tongue.....yup, the VERY back.....(and at 15 you're REALLY concerned about, you know, breath and stuff) .....have you ever TRIED THAT!!!??? Brushing the back of your tongue? Let me tell you it takes concentration and self-control beyond any I've yet developed. I succeed in actually doing it about once out of every 10 times I try the other 9 times I end up gagging and swallowing a bunch of toothpaste (which for some odd reason, according to the instructions on the tube is "not intended for internal use").

Okay now I've confessed my private phobias and can move on to the matter at hand....the dentist. In spite of my "problems" I visit the dentist regularly and get gold stars for good dental hygiene. (My closet flossing must work as well as the public exhibitionist kind.) However, there have been times when my least favorite " man in white" had to bring out the "tools" (just thinking about it makes me break out in a cold sweat).

When I was pregnant with Daughter #3 I broke a tooth (chewing on ice.....who knew it could be so hard!). The tooth was broken right down the center from crown to root. It hurt terribly and I was grateful Mr. Dentist got me right in.... but had to refer me to a dental surgeon who couldn't see me till the next morning.

After a very uncomfortable night I met Mr. Surgeon (who wasn't wearing white, he was wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt and looked like he was about to go golfing, I couldn't help feeling like I'd just ruined his morning). The only thing that could be done, he said, was "extract" it (a fancy word for yanking out a healthy tooth with very long roots still firmly attached to jawbone). Since I was pregnant there wasn't any question of being able to have "happy gas" so I was put under the knife (or in this case something more like a HUGE set of pliers) with nothing more than a shot of novocaine.

All I could think of as the surgeon and his team got ready, was the movie Marathon Man (have you seen it?.....take my advice and DON'T ..... if ever plan on going to the dentist again).

Anyway, there were four people in that room....the surgeon with his "pliers:, an assistant whom I could only assume was going to hand him the blood sucker and water squirter thing when required, and another kind of well..... kind of "burly" girl that looked a little like an old sailor from my vantage point (laying just under her chin and looking up into her nose). I had no idea what she was there for until the surgeon said "Ready?" and she grabbed my forehead with one hand as the assistant velcroed my arms to the chair and the surgeon actually put one knee up on my shoulder!!! (NO KIDDING!) He took a little hammer and chisel, hit my tooth twice (HARD), and in a flash took up the pliers. I tell you he grabbed that tooth and gave a yank that could have torn Thomas Jefferson from Mt. Rushmore.......someone screamed (I guess it could have been me...) and the next thing I know they're stuffing 4 yards of gauze into the gaping hole in my head and saying things like "Well, that came out fairly easily didn't it?" THEY HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

I've since given up chewing ice, oh and by the way, I know a few interesting floss stories if you'd care to hear them,......you would? Okay then.....

• An inmate escaped from a West Virginia prison by braiding a 20-foot long rope out of dental floss and using it to scale the prison's 18-foot wall. He was later captured and sentenced to 30 years in jail--five of them for tossing the floss over the wall to escape. Afterwards, prison officials permanently banned the sale of dental floss at the prison store. As a result of this case, the state of Maine prohibited inmates from possessing dental floss. An inmate at a Maine prison then sued the state, seeking compensation for "discrimination and resulting stress and anxiety over the inability to fight tooth decay."
• Some prisons do not allow inmates to have dental floss for another reason--it can be used to cut through steel bars. Says one prison official, "I couldn't believe it until I did it myself."
• A quick-thinking nurse used dental floss to save her boyfriend from bleeding to death after a shark attack in the Bahamas. A shark shredded the man's arm while he was spear fishing on a boat. His girlfriend used dental floss to tie off an artery in his arm. "He was able to survive this tragic incident due to the fact his companion was able to stop the bleeding," a hospital spokesman said. "She gave him the opportunity to live."
• An author wrote an article for a wildlife journal entitled, "An Alternative Means of Descenting Skunks." Instead of cutting off the scent glands when doing experiments on live skunks, he came up with a more humane way to do it--(you guessed it--temporarily tying up the scent glands with dental floss.
• "Crypt of Civilization" in Atlanta. The Crypt is a time capsule that was created in the 1930's to "condense knowledge accumulated during the previous 6000 years and seal it until May 28, 8113." A partial list of contents includes: a reproduction of a painting of roses, an electric "Toastolator," a piece of aluminum foil, a badminton set, a plastic beetle, a Donald Duck toy, a quart of beer, and, of course--a package of dental floss.

---special thanks to ironfrog.com for these facts soon to be released in their documentary.....

"FLOSS! A Meditation on the Possibility of Change", no I am NOT kidding!