I've been reading Bob Greene's Best Life book, as well as Dr. Oz's (I love that guy!) book.."You, on a Diet!" No matter how hard I try I just can't fool myself any longer. Oprah and I have a lot in common.....you wouldn't think so would you.....I mean she's a gazillionaire and I'm secretary to my husband, she's famous, I"m.....well, Not!, she's wise and in touch with her inner self and I'm struggling to understand even the tiniest things about myself but....what we really have in common (I've learned from these two books) is that we both have emotional "issues" that we solve by eating. According to my good friends "Bob" and "Mehmet" there's a lot of hard work ahead of me if I ever want to understand my never ending weight issues.
About 6 years ago I thought I'd gone to heaven when I lost 58 pounds in 6 months going from my all-time lifetime high of 178 pounds (yes, that was on my 5'4" frame), to 120 pounds. I thought life had begun for me at last and I vowed never to revisit that "me" again. Over these 6 years I've learned a few things:
1. I am TOTALLY able to continue a regular daily (except for Sunday) exercise program....I don't like it exactly but I'm able to be committed and steady. I never miss my workouts unless I'm just physically in a place where I can't do it.....i.e. an airplane!
2. I still have food issues. I've steadily, albeit slowly, regained and lost pounds over and over again for the past 6 years. I currently weigh in at 150 pounds which is so frighteningly close to my REALLY FAT self that I can see her lurking around the corner. I can honestly say I havent' willingly looked in a mirror, (or at my reflection in a window!) in over a year, I just can't face myself.
3. This is the important realization......I still have NO idea what those issues are!
According to Bob I'm self-medicating, or using food to fill some empty space inside, or using food to push down some emotion I don't want to feel, or filling some need with food that could be filled in another way.....okay, then what is it and how do I find this out?
I've thought about when I eat....generally it's when I'm upset, nervous, jealous, or angry. Why I turn to food I have no idea unless it's simply that I haven't learned any other way to deal with those emotions. Come to think of it, those emotions are the ones I've tried to conquer appropriately my whole life.
My mother-in-law told me that my sister-in-law had been "starving herself" and was now so thin that we wouldn't recognize her.....I went home and ate a bowl of ice cream. My husband went on a diet to reduce his blood sugar and cholesterol and lost A LOT of weight in a relatively short time......I quit eating good food, stopped counting calories and simply gave up my formerly good eating habits entirely, when money is tight I eat, when I feel lonely I try a new recipe, when I'm worried about my children I want nothing but chocolate.
It seems like I have a good handle on when I eat but I have no idea why food has become the answer for me. I also have no idea how to handle those feelings more appropriately. When I lost the weight before I ate one salad a day....approximately 300 calories.....and NOTHING else except water from April to September. I also ended up in the hospital, my hair fell out, and I couldnt' sleep at night......somehow I don't think that was totally the way to do it and frankly I don't want to try it anyway..... it was painful.
This blog was started over a year ago as a "creative" outlet for me....somewhere for me to write down the humorous happenings in my life, since that time (sorry to those of you who were ...at least moderately entertained) I've felt the humor slowly disappear, most days are filled with anxiety of one sort or another....some imagined, some self-inflicted, some simply unavoidable ......
I'm not sure what the answer is but I know I'm tired of the struggle. I hate what my life has become.....a minute by minute struggle with food. You know what really bothers me? That old saying...."You are what you think about"......Perfect!....that makes me "The fat old slice of chocolate cake covered in ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top"!
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